thoughts unedited

‘Alternate Power’…the word brings back to my memory the movie Terminator 2 - ‘judgment day’, the scene where Arnold comes back to life after being briefly knocked out, with a red light in his eye. The scene had a lasting impact on me, reasons unknown, but it gave a feeling of reassurance, a feeling that says that there is life after a crushing blow, victory after a bashing defeat….the scene just sat down in my mind.
I happened to see a lot of things in the past 1 month…got to know a lot about life, people, mentalities and adversities of life. Saying all this, I must add, I am a strong guy…really strong guy…mentally and physically.
I start writing down this blog, but end it down pretty soon as I run out of words and ward off into memories. But today I am determined to complete this post.

Last few months have made me rethink my complete thinking strategy, my views, my opinions and roughly everything associated with the person Sandeep Subnavis. Maybe I was wrong partly or completely, but I had to pay the price, quite heavily. People around me, my close friends and my parents tell me the phrase ‘whateva happnd, has hppnd for gud’. This phrase made me think, think about the beauty of human brain. It is part of the human brain’s support system which comes into place in case of a catastrophic damage/blow. I didnt want to travel the standard route taken, where we wait for time to do its healing touch, no thank you,  I dont need it, I am strong enough to rectify a fault in my life immedeately.

I have nothing against anyone, everyone wants their life to be perfect, their priorities to be protected and their position to be commendable, my only anguish is against myself; if only I was more wise, if only I gave more importance to my own life, priorities, interests, and most of all my own people (read family and friends).

So whateva… tried out something am an amateur at, gave it my best shot, did everything right, except selecting the right person to walk the extent with…..No qualms!!
I have people to stand by me, love for me, care for me and pray for me….so this machine is gonna go on, atleast on alternate power for the moment

The first anniversary…..brings in a great feeling…Makes me ecstatic….nostalgic….ponderous….and makes me feel experienced. Ecstatic for obvious reasons ;)…Nostalgic of the various moments dipped in anxiousness…frustration…elation and ultimately a sense of achievement.

 Human relations are a plethora of emotions. U need to be in a relation to see the beauty of one. Each relation has its own shades, rules and boundaries, the beauty of doing things by staying in those boundaries is the beauty of human mind.
We all have dreams…dreams of doing things at our will….achieving things and reaching places we always dreamed of…but living a life of constant surprises…continual sustaining tactics is the most challenging part of anyone’s life.

Rewinding back to 2 years….what was I?? A happy go lucky guy…who had no set goals…just a vague goal of becoming an entrepreneur, which used to flash only at vacant intervals….the remaining time….just the regular engineering student stuff….the 3 Ts….tindam…tiragadam….tongodam…I thought that was life and I was enjoying it to the max…It was maybe for that segment of life….And responsibilities have to set in
at some stage or the other….they did..in my life through the form of someone…..

I stepped into the United states with a plane heart…wanted to enjoy a lot…study to my heart’s content..and go back to India as soon as I am done with my Masters…never planned to do the wicked things that are usually part of any student who expects to break free in the US….but sure did plan to enjoy..in the right way….
but things do change…and so did my aims and aspirations….
Just as in some cinematic style….one flash…and it all changed !!
In came new targets…new aspirations and with them the urge to perform the previously unthought…

People refused to help…tried to pull me back…advised to step back and even tried to back stab….but one thing…the title that my dad frequently presents me with…’mondodu’ …helped me stay put….
People say that u need to plan…I had no plan…I just went the plain and straight way….as it happens in movies…I saw people with plans overtake me…ridicule me….even brought me to my knees…I cried…crumbled….even thought of giving up….but the fist…just didnt open up…
And presto….there came success….
I thought that was it…I had success…but no…it was just the beginning of an another phase…
A harder phase…where u cant judge if your decisions/arguements are right or wrong….confrontations with her and with people around…Then came along external pressures….tensions…everything….
A phase came in when the desire set in to break free and run away….but ya….the strong grit…read ‘monditanam’…made me hold the fort… And slowly things started to settle down a bit….they arent all set yet…but I sure am that they will soon….

An eventful year/a trailor of the life ahead/an adjustment phase….whatever it was…It sure was great….
and ya finally….
Luv u ammai!!!

Time is goin’ by and world is spinnin’ over…so am I….doin something…hoping for something….believing in something and persuing something….confusing isnt it…thats what i am rite now!! Am slowly but steadily learning the trades of the game…odds of survival arent the ultimate driving force….they are the penultimate. The ultimate driving force is the do or die situation…. I spent a majority of my life till date saying “I will”…”I shall”…”I can”…..but had pretty few instances where I said “I did” and what better time for it than now ;). So that basically sums up my professional front…..now dont start of saying what the hell did he say so far apart from some abstract trash??…well thats all i ve’ got to say for the moment….shall tell u more when i achieve something…howzthat for a person who believes in marking his target…announcing it aloud and then half the times givin out reasons for missing out!!
Well this time I dont wanna announce anything…cos I dont wanna miss anything…..

Am doin some soul searching…learning a lot from people around…and tryin hard to encorporate those things into my life. U always want life to go in your terms….it would, had u been the only person on this earth. So guys…time to buckle up…change and stick to those changes….

Donno why but I havent been in touch with friends back home since a long time….so am doing the all important task of getting back to them. Calling them up….listening to their long list of abuses for not calling up regularly….sometimes redialing to people who cuss and hang up as soon as they see my name flashing on the id screen ;).
But no complaints…i deserve it…

PS: people who read this blog must be imagining what the hell I am talking all about….well dont rack ur brains…I aint talkin bout anything….this was just to shrugg off teh rust I accumulated on my blogging abilities…sorry for wastin ur time though :p…

Solitary…thats what I am right now….After a month long stint of being with my pride of lions back in my homeland….I am back to the snowey desert. Life has taken a rapid U for me. Not just because I am far away from my friends and parents, but also I have a feeling that i have nobody beside me…..no soul to stir my soul, no soul to pep me up…no one to take my blues off. My roomates dont see a hint of pain in me, my parents think I am perfectly back to being myself…my friends think that being the stone hearted person I am …I must have been back to my elements, without a hint of insecurity. But the fact of the matter is that 9000 miles away….I am all alone….all alone.

I want to scream back to my friends, beg my parents to take me back…But I know I wont do that. Its not homesickness, its not lonelyness…its something else….something that is tearing me down…something that is brusing me heavily….The fear of failure. I have never conclusively failed…..not complete conclusively atleast. But now I am at the brink of a situation, where I would either come out beaming or come out completely shattered. I long for a hand held out to hold me, a pair of arms waiting for embrace me, anyone…any of my friends would do….but i need it….cos I cant just take this all alone….cant take this all alone….

I acted off pretty well for 1 whole month…masked my emotions excellently for a long period of time….but when the judgement time comes, u need someone to hold u down…i am waiting for that….
And for any of my friends who chance upon reading this….wanna say one thing….guys…am sorry for the day….I dont hate India….dont hate it one bit….i might fake it….but the tear that runs down my cheek, wouldnt lie… For me India is stalwartz, my parents…my relatives…and everything else…so how can I hate it…..It was just the frustration acting off on me….Ya there are somethings that i hate…and would hate till there is breath in my lungs and beat in my heart….cos those things hold the potential of changing my life….permanently…

Prioritization….never thought much about this word till recently, cos i never had to prioritize things in my life. I have always done the talking….be it for my gang, my parents or in any walk of my life. Never kept myself silent and never let life do the talking. For the first time in my life, I have become silent. I am listening to life, listening to what people around me are saying, and learning the all important lessons of life, and last but not the least am learning the need for prioritization in my life.

I never beleived in the concepts of seggregation, regulated attention to people, cos i never had the need to do that ;). But of late, I am gauging its importance. I am known for my friendy attitude, have always been associated to be a person who is always in a group, never solitary, never serene. I always gave in uncondtional attention, never bothered how people reacted back to me, never really cared. Was hurt a number of times as i did not get back even the tenth of the attention I gave to them, but that never really pained me much, it was just a prick, not a stab. But when u give a person the utmost of importance, place them right behind ur parents in importance, but dont get the minimum importance u deserve,I know it i painful, but the fact of the matter is that it is time to do some thinking.

I always beleived I was a petty and small person in this huge world, but this visit to India changed that impression in me. The love people have for me, the craving my friends have for me and to top it all the unconditional affection that my parents have, has instilled a new kind of self importance in me. I now know how important my life is, not just for me, but for all the people around me.

There are various instances in life when u have to choose among people, u have to choose to keep a group of people happy at the expense of another group. In the past few days I was forced to take one such decision, I had to take a stand which put my friendship with my close friends at stake…..all this, for a single person. I did it without a single thought or ponder, cause i knew about that person’s importance in my life, though i always had the guilt concious that I was fooling my close pals. But of late some more instances have put me to thought….am i beeing too crazy, or am i beeing to skeptical, i dont know….but whats done is done. I avoided meetings, skipped touring sessions, and waited like crazy beside the phone…all for a single call…which never really came.

I was talking about prioritizing people, yes i guess every one need to prioritize his time to the people around him based on his relation, resiprocation and affection. I guess I am failing myself in this. I seriously am considering a rethinking session, a session which will put off the guilt in me and atleast make me feel less dejected.
Bottom line: like somebody, adore sombody, think about somebody…..but not at the expense of people who adore you, think about you and like you…..

As you tread through ur life u always get options…options on choosing your path. There are temptations and there are diversions. When we were in our adolsence and had the shadow of immaturity over our head, these temptations and diversions can be associated with the habits and addictions that may set in. Once a person is done through this stage, the real complexity of life comes in. In the adolsent age , the  demarkation between good and bad is clear. It all depends upon the person’s level of control and his choice in life. But as the age progresses the choices we make are merely the inclinations we take when we are given a choice between our intent and the alternative.

It is during such a phase that a person gets completely drained. All his mental prowess is spent out figuring out a way to  lead himself in the correct direction when he has 2 ways before him. I am completely drained at the moment. Life has always been kind to me, It has always come to my aid when I was sad. But this time, itseems I will have to bear the brunt of its fury. I clearly donno what to do. My passion, my madness….commands me to wait and take things in my stride and keep hoping for the intent of people to change and understand me someday. But on the other hand my arrogance , my attitude, my self respect and dignity  want me to refrain from all this and live the way i have lived my life…always.

This desicion is very taxing to say the least. I can neither concentrate, nor retaliate. I just want a solution to all this…a solution that is gonna make my present and future happy….and i want it real quick..

And ya….last but not the least….i found a comment for my last post…sorry dude…i donno whoever u r…but ur words were surely very encouraging…thanks a lot for that..and I am dying to know whoever u r… 

 

The past few months have been pretty ‘eventful’ to say the least. Lots of things that never happened before…lots of things i never expected….lots of things i never hoped would happen happened….. I always get nostalgic when i think of my friends(I guess everyone does!!), but one friend who has always been more than just a friend is sam….Life has been taking us both on a roller coaster ride..together….I cant stop but recollect the rides that we had in wisconsin…all those scary rides we went in together. I never had the fear….cause i knew he didnt either.

But there is always this funny way of life….it makes the ever calm people to seethe in anger…the ever jovial person float in tears…and the ever brave person cringe in fear…..in short life takes everyone on a ride and shows him his own other side. I feel the same has been happenening to us of late. we have been facing things that we have never ever thought of. And it is the first time in my life i am not wishing for his company…the reason…a feeling which says…my life is getting screwed…why should his aswell??

According to me the most sensible and sane person in our gang is sam. I am the most arrogant…brash…care a damn…fight at will…..kind of a person….In short he is the good boy of the gang and i am the bad boy of the gang…..Yet we r the best of friends.. the reason..we compliment each other perfectly. However varied we might have been…the most common thing in both of us is the fact that we have never wished for anyone’s failure…we never hoped somebody would loose…we never prayed for somebody’s destruction. But after all the things we r going through…I believe somebody else is surely hoping those for us…

The question that constantly comes up…why us???? 

Since a log time i always had the zeal to put down all the thoughts in my brain unedited….i know its an art to do that. I always wanted to blog, wanted to keep a written copy of my ponderings my feelings and my prejeducices, cos the feelings u have today are just memories tommorow….they dont exist anymore…  Becos as u grow ur thougths change and so does ur outlook of life.

I have never been the proverbial ‘go getter’….but yes have acheived all the things i need in the manner that i always wanted to. Confusing isnt it …well thats how i am….a bunch of confliting emotions. I dont know what kind of a person i am…good or bad….but i must say i rate myself as something close to good. If anything thats is in ur destiny can be designated as an achivement…then i can say that my greatest achievement can be me being born to the parents i have. Whatever i am today is becos of them….my personality…my attitude…my directionality…my linguistic prowess…everything is their gift….. The second achievement is the friends i have…..always wanted to rate them…but i get confused after i give in the 1st position….ya the 1st slot goes to uncle sam ofcourse….then all the remaining group just comes in….

My life has been a roller coaster till date(well i guess everybody’s is ). But i have always had this gut feeling that aids me….it tells me if i am gonna be a success or a failure in my endeavour…..and it has never failed me…..thankfully!!!